reflection. 2/22/23 ♥

reflection. 2/22/23 ♥

Covid lockdown. ...OOF
What a ride we all rode.
Some were in the front row, some in the middle and back row of course.
It was easy for some and struggles for others.

-It gave me some social anxiety and skills lost for sure
-it created such an online shopping reliance and that morphed into addiction to the point where I now count days of "since my last non-need buy" levels. And tbh this is a quiet practice, I can't handle talking about it much to many bc it's always so judged instead of helped or atleast respected that I'm working on me. That I can acknowledge my crap and work on healing being better.. not that I live for their approval but that it brings such a negative energy with the judgement of course. 
-I had to deliver a baby alone in the hosp(hubby could only be there for labor and the night but gone in morning bc farm and business literally cannot run itself or a whole crop can be lost)
-had little to no healthy support going thru post-partum depression
-it took away my cousin who was like a big sis to me from us.
-it gave such a curve for this toddler I have who's just getting better with social settings that we are still working on.. .
I could def go on but I still didn't have it as rough as others.

But it also gave blessings 💜
°It gave me healthy hair habits, to stop damaging to gain strength and length I always wanted and thought I could never get.

°Allowed me to see how my son really works and his needs for classroom work(diff than homework stuff) and we talk about our love languages but there's not enough talk about the different learning languages ! Luckily Bryce matches mine and Forrest is slowly still being defined. for both, Music&Art is always the key! ♥

°Gave even more appreciation for these caring teachers.
°It gave me all the days I was Prego hugeeeeee and no one saw me struggle waddling... Didn't have to worry about morning sickness bad timing at the office either. To where I return back to office and no one believed we had a second child ! LOL

°gave me ability to gear towards a beautiful sustainable fashion world, changing fast fashion habits to supporting small and more organic sustainable fashion world with FB groups and bc of that energy and vibe- I found sisters, friends, women empowering women in so many ways I'm still in awe after the years... Women all around the world too ♥
°this includes giving me one of my persons- Kelsey Barnes who is an hour conveniently from my other bestie person in bama!

°and weirdly, I can say today I realized consciously what I subconsciously knew is that even losing Rachel, my cousin/sis .. I learned to be more present with loves ones, to give as much glue pillar strength to the family that she gave us all, that it's fun to be spoiled but it all comes down to family.. not the pretentious parts where we get so small view minded in our daily lives that cousins, aunts, uncles, siblings, grandparents, etc... Get overlooked. Not in bad intentional ways but she reached out inviting me to a simple impromptu cookout potluck or just wanted to scoop n ride somewhere.. it wasn't about the activity really and how efficient you make your time... but just to have time and give that even for a minute, hour or some to those you love that may not be here in a matter of day or week or weeks. To say I love you more and randomly as you think and feel it right there in the moment and not "I'll tell them later" or "they know..." They may know but need that reminder in that moment most. ♥

°it gave me ease comfort already being an introvert ish but it allowed me to stop compensating and gain emotional intelligence, facing all of me, no filter, no bandaids... Shadows and lighted parts to self love and not surface level selflove but truly enjoy being joyful and weird and quirky... To where the social anxiety is a thing somewhat but I can diffuse and then I can actually have fun as heck being out in a bubble vibin or find humor in someone's side-eyeing. ^.^ If anything my drama-class closet self is out ! And we're making a spectacle improvising to either "offend" them more or get them involved for the simple silly moments of life ... And when you walk out and they're smiling light n breezy too . That's a cool win level too. ♥

°it gave me strength to set boundaries and stop being misused or giving my peace to build others, to no longer give energy wasted to things and people that no longer serve me or my well-being. 
°it also led me to creative juices flowing more, within and less outside world markets influencing... Making things that are not as much me and saturated... I wouldn't say I niched as I still love variety but did definitely honed in and evolved my biz ♥

I honestly could go on forever, I feel so damn blessed ♥

It's good to reflect, randomly, annually, semi-annually, monthly, weekly, daily. ♥
Keep growing ♥

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